Crucial Conversations

1. What’s a Crucial Conversation?

See Figure 1.1.

Ending a relationship, Talking to a coworker who makes offensive comments, Asking a friend to repay a loan, Giving the boss feedback about her behavior, Approaching a boss who’s breaking his own safety or quality policies, Addressing racist or sexist behavior, Critiquing a colleague’s work, Asking a roommate to move out, Resolving custody or visitation issues with an ex, Dealing with a rebellious teen, Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments, Discussing problems with sexual intimacy, Confronting a loved one about a substance abuse problem, Talking to a colleague who’s hoarding information or resources, Giving an unfavorable performance review, Asking in-laws to quit interfering, Talking to a coworker about a personal hygiene problem.

What makes each of these conversations crucial—and not simply frustrating, frightening, or annoying—is that the outcome could have a huge impact on either relationships or results that affect you greatly. In each of the above cases, some element of your daily routine could be forever altered for better or worse. If you know how to handle Crucial Conversations, you can effectively hold tough conversations about virtually any topic and resolve the situation.

Lag time

In each of these examples, the determining factor between success and failure is the amount of time that passes between when the problem emerges and when those involved find a way to honestly and respectfully resolve it.

The greatest damage to your relationship with someone is not due to their occasional interference. It’s the toxic emotions and dysfunctional behavior that occurs in the absence of a forthright conversation that causes the greatest damage.

The real damage happens during the lag time between people seeing a problem and people addressing the problem. You can measure the health of relationships, teams, and organizations by measuring the lag time between when problems are identified and when they are resolved.

How We Typically Handle Crucial Conversations

When we face Crucial Conversations, we have three broad options:

1. We can avoid them.
2. We can face them and handle them poorly.
3. We can face them and handle them well

1. We can avoid them

Walk away from Crucial Conversations and suffer the consequences. Despite the importance we often avoid them because we fear engaging will make matters worse. Of course, there are risks in speaking up, especially to those with more power than you. When it comes to Crucial conversations you have only 2 choices:

1. Talk it out
2. Act it out

If you avoid discussing issues with important people in your life, such as your boss, partner, neighbor, or peer, the issues won't disappear. Instead, you may develop resentment towards the other person and this will affect how you treat them. You may snap at them, spend less time with them, or accuse them of dishonesty or selfishness. Acting out your feelings instead of talking them out will only add strain to the situation and damage the relationship and results. The longer you wait to address the issues, the more damage you may cause.

2 We can face them and handle them poorly.

Handle them poorly and suffer the consequences. People often handle things poorly due to instinctual reactions to interpersonal threats. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to react to interpersonal threats the same way we deal with physical ones. Our natural tendencies in moments that seem threatening lean toward fight or flight rather than listen and speak.

Two tiny organs seated neatly atop your kidneys pump adrenaline into your bloodstream. Your brain diverts blood from activities it deems nonessential (like thoughtfully and respectfully opening a conversation) to high-priority survival tasks (such as hitting and running). As the large muscles of the arms and legs get more blood, the higher-level reasoning sections of your brain get less. As a result, you end up facing challenging conversations with the same intellectual equipment available to a rodent. Your body is preparing to deal with an attacking saber-toothed tiger, not your boss, neighbor, or loved ones.

When our brains get drunk on adrenaline, they're almost incapable of rational thought. People don't know where to start with approaching a Crucial Conversation effectively, and without healthy models, people tend to "wing it" and hope for the best. Sometimes, our strategies for dealing with Crucial Conversations are designed to keep us from what we actually want. Our behavior is often self-defeating, creating the very thing we didn't want in the first place.

Frequently, Crucial Conversations come out of nowhere. And since you’re caught by surprise, you’re forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex interaction in real time—no books, no coaches, and certainly no short breaks while a team of diplomats runs to your aid and pumps you full of suave ideas.

The truth is, you were trying to solve a complex interpersonal problem with a brain designed to do little more than assure your survival. You’re lucky you didn’t suffer a stroke.

3. We can face them and handle them well

There is hope. We can handle them well, resolve the situation, and improve the relationship. Strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power—the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics.

Fool's Choice

Without realizing it, from the time we are three or four years old, most of us come to the dangerous conclusion that we often have make Fool's choice -- to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.

Lag time becomes a way of life as we procrastinate, putting off conversations that might otherwise lead to resolution and stronger relationships. Instead, we build resentment and alienation as we act out rather than talk out our concerns.

Influence as a Opinion leader

Stop making fool's choice and Increase your influence by being a opinion leader.

Opinion Leaders are the individuals who are admired by peers and bosses alike for their competence and insight. One of the most commonly cited skills people associated with them was their ability to raise emotionally and politically risky issues in a way that others couldn’t. They find ways to both tell the truth and keep relationships.They step up to conversations in ways that actually made working relationships stronger.

The only way to really strengthen relationships is through the truth, not around it.

Silence kills

In a study of over 7,000 doctors and nurses, we’ve found caregivers face this crucial moment all the time. In fact, 84 percent of respondents said that they regularly see people taking shortcuts, exhibiting incompetence, or breaking rules. And that’s not the problem! The real problem is that those who observe deviations or infractions say nothing. Across the world we’ve found that the odds of a nurse speaking up in this crucial moment are less than 1 in 12.

Silence fails

That’s because the real problem lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process. And that requires Crucial Conversations skills.

The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face to-face conversations.

Strengthen Your Relationships

Everyone argues about important issues. It’s how you argue that matters.

People fall into three categories:

1. those who digress into threats and name-calling
2. those who revert to silent fuming
3. and those who speak openly, honestly, and effectively

Boost Your Personal Health

Immune systems

Those who routinely failed their Crucial Conversations had far weaker immune systems and worse health than those who found a way to resolve them well

Life-threatening diseases

Just a modest improvement in the ability to talk and connect with others corresponded to a two-thirds decrease in the death rate. How the way you talk or don’t talk can dramatically affect your health. Mountains of research suggest that the negative feelings we hold in and the emotional pain we suffer as we stumble our way through unhealthy conversations slowly eat away at our health.

Summary: What’s A Crucial Conversation?

• When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions start to run strong, casual conversations transform into crucial ones.
• Ironically, the more crucial the conversation, the less likely we are to handle it well.
• When we fail a Crucial Conversation, every aspect of our lives can be affected— from our companies, to our careers, to our communities, to our relationships, to our personal health.
• And the longer the lag time, the more room for mischief. But there is good news. As we learn how to step up to Crucial Conversations—and handle them well—with one set of high-leverage skills we can influence virtually every domain of our lives.

What is this all-important skill set? What do people who sail through Crucial Conversations actually do? More importantly, can we do it too?

Review session 1

Reflect on

Now what about you? Think of your own important relationships.

• Are there a few Crucial Conversations that you’re currently avoiding or handling poorly?
• Do you walk away from some issues only to charge recklessly into others?
• Do you hold in ugly opinions only to have them tumble out as sarcastic remarks or cheap shots
• When it matters the most (after all, these are your cherished loved ones), are you on your worst behavior?
• If so, you definitely have something to gain by learning more about how to handle Crucial Conversations.

2. Mastering Crucial Conversations

The Power of Dialogue

When it comes to Crucial Conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open. That’s it. At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.

• Avoid “Fool’s Choice.”
• Choose between candor and kindness.
• Be 100% honest at the same time be 100% respectful

views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular. It’s the one thing that Kevin and the other extremely effective communicators we studied were routinely able to achieve. What they do is effectively create a dialogue.

Filling the Pool of Shared Meaning

Each of us enters conversations with our own thoughts and feelings about the topic at hand. This unique combination makes up our personal pool of meaning. This pool not only informs us, but also propels our every action. When two or more of us enter Crucial Conversations, by definition we don’t share the same pool. Our opinions differ. I believe one thing; you another. I have one history; you another.

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial or wrong.

As the Pool of Shared Meaning grows, it helps people in two ways. First, as individuals are exposed to more accurate and relevant information, they make better choices. In a very real sense, the Pool of Shared Meaning is a measure of a group’s IQ. The larger the shared pool, the smarter the decisions.

Conversely, when people aren't involved, and sit back during touchy topics, they are rarely commited to the final decision. Their ideas remain in their head and they endup quietly crititicizing & passively resisting.

Let's say a software engineer is working on a project with their team, and their boss tells them to use a programming language they don't like. Even if the engineer complies with their boss's request and uses that language, they might still think that it's not the best choice for the project. They have their own opinion about which language is best, and that doesn't change just because they did what their boss asked them to do

Whatever the decision-making method, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice, the more the unity, and the stronger the conviction—whoever makes the choice.

Every time we find ourselves arguing, running away, or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it’s because we don’t know how to share meaning. Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue, we play costly games. For instance, sometimes we move to silence. We play Salute and Stay Mute. That is, we don’t confront people in positions of authority.

Whatever the technique, the overall method is the same. We withhold meaning from the pool. We go to silence On other occasions, not knowing how to stay in dialogue, we try to force our meaning into the pool. We rely on emotional violence—anything from verbal sniping, to intellectual bullying, to outright verbal attacks. We act like we know everything, hoping people will believe our arguments. We discredit others. We use force to get our way. We borrow power from the boss; we hit people with biased monologues; we make hurtful comments. The goal of all these behaviors is the same—to compel others to our point of view

So to sum up: When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong, we’re often at our worst. In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning—especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial thoughts and opinions—and to get others to share their pools. To achieve this, we have to develop the tools that make it safe for us to discuss these issues and to come to a shared pool of meaning.

Review session 2

Learning path

Here’s the really good news. The skills for mastering high-stakes interactions are quite easy to spot and moderately easy to learn. The principles and skills are generally applied in a predictable order.

Part I - What to Do Before You Open Your Mouth

1. “Preparation principles” — the things we need to do before we begin to ensure we are primed for an effective conversation.
2. Chapter 3, “Choose Your Topic" - Focus on the right problem for healthy dialouges
3. Chapter 4, “Start with Heart" - get your motives right
4. Chapter 5, “Master My Stories" - manage your emotions

Part II - How to Open Your Mouth

1. Chapter 6, “Learn to Look" - Recognize early signs of problems
2. Chapter 7, “Make It Safe" - How to create the key condition that allows you to talk with almost anyone about almost anything: safety
3. Chapter 8, “STATE My Path" We then get tactical, teaching strategies for sharing your views in a way that is both truthful and least likely to provoke defensiveness and
4. Chapter 9, “Explore Others’ Paths" for helping others to productively express their views as well.
5. Chapter 10, “Retake Your Pen" Then we take you to a remarkable place in the US Rocky Mountains where we learn lessons for minimizing the misery we feel when receiving tough feedback .

Part III - How to Finish

1. Chapter 11, “Move to Action" we’ll share two important tools for finishing strong
2. Chapter 12, “Yeah, But", you will learn the key skills of talking, listening, and acting together in a way that improves both relationships and results.
3. Chapter 13, “Putting It All Together" Finally, we’ll tie all the theories and skills together by providing both a model and an extended example.

You not only read but practice what you learn, you will gain greater and greater confidence in talking when stakes are high.

PART I - What To Do Before You Open Your Mouth

3. Choose Your Topic

If you’re not addressing the right issue, you’ll end up in the same conversation over and over again. Crucial Conversations are most successful when they’re focused on one issue. Crucial Conversation on a single topic takes effort. It requires us to thoughtfully un-bundle and then prioritize the issues at hand.

Why We Usually Choose The Wrong Topic

When faced with complex problems like this, we rarely stop and ponder which topic we should address. Instead, we naturally default to one of two mistaken directions:

1. Easy over hard. When faced with a high-stakes, emotional conversation, we have a bias for choosing the topic we think we can win with.

2. Recent over right. We tend to focus on the most recent event or behavior rather than on the one that matters the most.

🚨 Three Signs You’re Having the Wrong Conversation

1. Your emotions escalate When you’re having the wrong conversation, even if that conversation is going well, you know on some level that you’re not addressing or resolving the issue. Consequently, you come in feeling frustrated, and that feeling increases as the conversation progresses

2. You walk away skeptical maybe you come to the end of the conversation with an agreement, but even as you walk away, you think to yourself, “Nothing is going to really change here.” Or you get to agreement but doubt that the changes you settled on will solve the real problem

3. You’re in a dèjá vu dialogue Then every time you recognize they are happening, use them as a cue to push back from the table and ask yourself, “What’s the real issue I need to address?”

When you see them, imagine a warning light flashing in your mind that says, “Wrong topic!” When that light pulses, push back from the table and ask yourself, “What’s the real issue here?”

SKILLS FOR FINDING THE RIGHT TOPIC

The conversation is swirling and churning, and suddenly the person says, “You know, I think the real issue here is trust. We’ve lost confidence in each other,” or makes some other brilliant deduction of the previous 53 minutes of chaos

The answer is that this person is skilled at three elements of choosing the right topic. The person knows how to unbundle, choose, and simplify the issues involved.

1. Unbundle - CPR

There are three levels of conversations you may need to have about the issue itself, and a fourth relating to the process of the conversation

You can remember these levels with the acronym CPR.

Content

The first time a problem comes up, talk about the content—the immediate pain. If either the action itself or its immediate consequences are the issue, you’ve got a content problem. The first time this has happened, it’s a content problem

Pattern

The next time the same problem comes up, think pattern. Now the concern is not just that this has happened once, but that a pattern is starting to develop, or already has.

It can be challenging to determine when to move from content to pattern. Often, it may feel like you’re jumping to conclusions if you move to pattern after only a second occurrence of the issue.

The first time something happens, it’s an incident. The second time it might be coincidence. The third time, it’s a pattern.

Relationship

Finally, as problems continue, they can begin to impact the relationship. Relationship issues get to deeper concerns about trust, competence, or respect.

Un-bundling helps people see a variety of options:

1. Keep it at content. Solve the immediate problem by correcting anyone who calls you by the wrong name. Or thank your manager for the suggestion, but let her know you would like to be called by your given name.

2. Move to pattern. Express your concern that her referring to you by wrong names has become a pattern.

3. Talk relationship. Let your manager know that your name is an important part of your identity, and that you feel disrespected when someone you work with regularly doesn’t take the time to learn it. Or perhaps even more important, you feel disrespected by the suggestion that you change it.

Do You Need to Talk About Process?

But not every issue fits neatly into content, pattern, and relationship. Occasionally you’ll need to extend your conversation to cover the issue of the process of how we are discussing issues.

Taking time to address the process of how we are communicating is especially important when there are differences in our communication styles or when our mode of communication changes from what we’re used to.

When do virtual conversations work well for me? And when do they not?” Then, consider the process. Remember, if you don’t talk it out, you’ll act it out. And virtual relationships leave much more room for acting it out!

2. Choose

The next step in finding the right topic to discuss is to choose. Choosing is a matter of filtering all the issues you’ve teased apart through a single question: “What do I really want?” (You’ll see even more of the power of this question in the next chapter.) Ponder what your highest priority is; then choose the issue that stands between you and that objective.

3. Simplify

Having made your choice, be sure you can state simply what you want to discuss. We’re not talking about how you’ll start the conversation. We mean narrow the problem down to a succinct statement.

You’ll find that they take far fewer words to say it than the rest of us.

Just tell yourself the truth about what you want to say. Having done that, you can address the next problem: “How can I both tell the truth and strengthen the relationship?” The next few chapters will help you address that challenge.

You’re suddenly seized by two competing feelings: rage and terror. You’re offended because you think the comment is either stupid or racist—or both. But you’re scared because you can’t imagine a way of addressing the issue without provoking a fight. You’re tempted to simply stay in the content

What should you do? To begin with, tell yourself the truth. Even if you don’t know what to say in the moment, stop and clarify what is truly bothering you. Only then can you decide what the right next step is. Having told yourself the truth (you believe his comment is evidence of either subtle or egregious racism), you can then decide if, when, and how to have that conversation.

Bookmark: When topic changes

Most of the crucial problems we face require us to address issues at the pattern, process, or relationship level. Very rarely is a content issue keeping us stuck.

You can think of it like a dandelion growing in the middle of your well-manicured lawn. The content issue is that bright yellow flower. It is blatant, apparent, and easy to get rid of. Just pluck that dandelion head right off and suddenly your lawn is once again an unrelenting expanse of greenness. But . . . you know what happens next. The dandelion blooms again, and probably multiplies at the same time. Why? Because you didn’t address the roots. The pattern-, process-, and relationship-level issues in our lives are like those roots. Until we identify and address them, we will face the same content issues again and again.

More often than not, when you step up to a pattern- or relationship-level conversation with someone, the other person’s tendency will be to seek safety in a content-level conversation.

Do you see what just happened there? You stepped up to a pattern conversation (the last six months of designs), and he responded by talking about a content issue (the very last design he did). Now, at this point, it can be very easy to get sucked into that conversation

And just like that, you’re holding a different conversation than the one you intended. You’ll walk away feeling unresolved. Why? Because you held the wrong conversation.

saying, “I know there was a lot going on this week along with the Johnson project. I get that. And I’m actually less concerned with the specifics of the Johnson project than I am with the pattern I’m seeing in your work over the last six months. I’m wondering if there’s something bigger going on here that’s keeping you from delivering your best work.” Generally, you should choose the level at which you want to hold the conversation and then keep it there. However, there is an exception

What do you do when you start a conversation focused on one issue and new issues emerge? You have a choice to make. You can either stay focused on the original issue or move to a new one. In all cases, you want to place a bookmark. When you place a bookmark, you verbally acknowledge where you’re going in the conversation and what you intend to come back to.

When you place a bookmark, you make a conscious choice about what you want to talk about. And you register clearly with the other person that you will return to the bookmarked issue later. Never allow the conversation to shift or the topic to change without acknowledging you’ve done it.

I get we’re in a tough spot here. I don’t want to disappoint our leadership any more than you do. And I want you to know that I’m committed to getting stuff done. At the same time, I want us to set realistic goals; otherwise, we’re setting ourselves up to fail. And maybe even more important, I want us to work together in a way where we’re up front with each other about our needs and concerns.” This was the start of a relationship conversation. And the start of a better relationship.

Summary: Choose Your Topic

You can’t solve the real problem if you don’t choose the right topic. Here’s how to make sure you are talking about the right thing: Learn the three signs you’re having the wrong conversation:

1. Your emotions escalate.
2. You walk away skeptical.
3. You’re in a déjà vu dialogue.

Use three skills to identify your topic, and prepare to keep focused on it:

1. Unbundle. Unpack the various issues at play using CPR. Are they content, pattern, or relationship concerns or perhaps process?
2. Choose. Ask yourself: “What do I really want?” Use this as a filter to choose which topic is most relevant at the moment.
3. Simplify. Condense your concern into a single sentence so you can maintain focus once the conversation gets under way.

• Finally, be both focused and flexible.
• Pay attention to others’ unintentional, or intentional, efforts to change the topic.
• Don’t allow the topic to change without a conscious decision. And if you do decide to shift topics, bookmark the original one to make it easy to return to after the new topic is handled.

Review session 3

4. Start With Heart

How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want

Now that you know what you want to talk about, it’s time to turn to the how of dialogue. How do you encourage the flow of meaning when you’re in the thrall of strong emotions. Most people’s style is based on longstanding habits, it’ll probably require a lot of effort. The truth is, people can change.

you’ll need to start by taking a long, hard look at yourself.

Change begins with your heart. Our bias is the opposite. Our bodies are designed to gather data about others, not ourselves. To paraphrase Shakespeare, the eye sees everything but itself. We can hear how others are overstating their points. We can see how they’re clenching their fists and spraying spittle while they harangue us. What we fail to notice is our own eye roll, head shake, and sneer.

Opinion leaders, who do their best during crucial moments think that it all begins with me. The first thing that degenerates during a Crucial Conversation is not your behavior; it’s your motive. And we can rarely see it happening. The first step to dialogue is to get your heart right.

Work On Me First, Us Second

Sometimes the best way to discern motive is to examine behavior. By looking at people who fight over nothing, we can see what they really wanted was to be first, to be right, or perhaps even to make others miserable.

The first problem we face in our Crucial Conversations is not that our behavior degenerates. It’s that our motives do a shift that we are often completely unaware of. Instead, we cling to our “stated” motive and ignore what our behavior reveals about our true motive.

It’s our dogmatic conviction that “if we could just fix those losers, all would go better” that keeps us from taking action that could lead to dialogue and progress. It’s no surprise then that those who are best at dialogue tend to turn this logic around. They believe the best way to work on “us” is to start with “me.”

People who are best at dialogue understand this simple fact and turn it into the principle “Work on me first, us second.” They realize not only that they are likely to benefit by improving their own approach, but also that the only ones they can work on anyway are themselves.

Start With Heart

Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused on those motives no matter what happens.

They maintain this focus in two ways.

1. They’re steely-eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want. Despite constant impulses to slip away from their goals, they stick with them.
2. Skilled people don’t make Fool’s Choices. Unlike others who justify their unhealthy behavior by explaining that they had no choice but to fight or take flight, the dialogue-smart believe that dialogue, no matter the circumstances, is always an option.

Losing sight of our motives can affect our ability to stay in dialogue. When under attack, our hearts can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, save face, keep the peace, or punish others.

1. Focus On What You Really Want

“You know what? We need to talk about this. I’m glad you asked the question. Thank you for taking that risk. I appreciate the trust it shows in me.”

How did she remain so composed while under fire? Specifically, how did she move so quickly from wanting to humiliate the questioner to sincerely soliciting feedback?

Could asking yourself a single question truly transform your emotions the way we had witnessed it happening with Greta? And if so, what question should you ask? She continued, “When I feel threatened, I pause, take a breath, and ask, ‘What do I really want?’” “Really?” we asked. “And how did that help?” “The first answer that came up for me was, ‘I want to humiliate this guy who is attacking me!’ That was my emotions talking. So I pressed again, ‘What do I really want?’ And that’s when the clarity came: ‘What I really want is for 200 managers to leave here supportive of cost cutting.’”

When her motive changed from saving face to solving a problem, it was perfectly natural for her first words to be: “You know what? We need to talk about this. I’m glad you asked the question. Thank you for taking that risk.”

Refocus Your Brain

Now let’s move to a situation you might face. You’re speaking with someone who completely disagrees with you on a hot issue. How does all this motive stuff apply?

As you begin the discussion, start by examining your motives. Going in, ask yourself what you really want.

Our motives usually change without any conscious thought on our part. When adrenaline does our thinking for us, our motives flow with the chemical tide. In a sense, you don’t choose the motive; it chooses you. But if you can see it, you can change it.

The first step to getting back to a healthy motive is to become aware of the one that’s possessing you. Look for clues. Discern your motives from the outside in. In order to move back to motives that allow for dialogue, you must step away from the interaction and look at yourself—much like an outsider would.

As you make an honest effort to discover your motive, you might conclude: “Let’s see. I’m cutting people off, overstating my points, and shaking my head every time they talk. Aha! I’ve shifted from planning a great vacation to winning an argument.”

Once you humbly acknowledge the shifting desires of your heart, you can make conscious choices to change them. The fastest way to free yourself of a hurtful motive is to simply admit you’ve got it. When you name the game, you can stop playing it.

Ask your self these 4 questions

Now ask, “What do I really want?” Ask yourself these 3 questions:

1. What do I really want for myself?
2. What do I really want for others?
3. What do I really want for the relationship?

Once you’re free of the lower motive, healthy answers will come quickly and easily: “What I really want is for us to all feel great about the vacation spot we choose.” Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question:

4. What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”

Taken together, these four questions are a powerful tool for refocusing your brain. Here’s how:

Play the long game

You may also find it helpful to add “long term” to the questions. Asking “What do I really want for myself in the long term?” helps us shift our focus from our immediate, near-term desires to a more profound consideration of who we want to be:

• “What kind of person do I want to be?”
• “How do I want to treat others?”
• “How do I need to show up in this conversation in order to be that kind of person?”

Reengage Your Brain These questions are also a powerful tool for reengaging your brain.

It works this way: When you pose complex and abstract questions to yourself, the problem-solving part of your brain recognizes that you are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight.

2. Refuse The Fool’S Choice

Now let’s add one more tool that helps us focus on what we really want.

Say an X attacks Y in public, and then instead of apologizing or maybe simply fading into the shadows, X argues that what she just did was somehow noble. She’s just made the Fool’s Choice. Her statement assumes she had to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.

Opinion leaders present their brains with a more complex question. They ask, “What do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?” As you practice presenting this question to yourself at emotional times, you’ll discover that at first you resist it. When our brain isn’t functioning well, we resist complexity. It seems, well, complex!

Fortunately, when you refuse the Fool’s Choice and instead require your brain to solve the more complex problem, more often than not, your brain does just that. You’ll find there is a way to share your concerns, listen sincerely to those of others, and build the relationship—all at the same time. And the results can be life changing.

Search for the Elusive “And”

The best at dialogue refuse Fool’s Choices by setting up new choices. They present themselves with tougher questions that turn the either/or choice into a search for the all-important and ever-elusive “and.” (It is an endangered species, you know.) Here’s how this works:

1. Clarify what you really want. You’ve got a head start if you’ve already Started with Heart. If you know what you want for yourself, for others, and for the relationship, then you’re in position to break out of the Fool’s Choice:
2. Clarify what you really don’t want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What I don’t want is to have people shut down because one person is dominating the discussion thread and throwing insults. I also don’t want our honest difference to lead to damaged relationships.
3. Present your brain with a more complex problem.
4. Combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence or violence: “How can we have a candid conversation and strengthen our relationships?”

It’s interesting to watch what happens when people are presented with and questions after being stuck with Fool’s Choices. Their faces become reflective, their eyes open wider, and they begin to think. With surprising regularity, when people are asked,

• “Is it possible that there’s a way to accomplish both?”
• “Is there a way to tell your peer your real concerns and not insult or offend him?”
• “Is there a way to talk to your neighbors about their annoying behavior and not come across as self-righteous or demanding?”
• “Is there a way to talk with your loved one about how you’re spending money and not get into an argument?”
• Is This Really Possible?

Maybe you can speak honestly and still be heard in other organizations, but if you try it here, you’ll be eaten alive!” Or the flip side, “You’ve got to know when to fold if you want to survive for another day.” At first, we thought that maybe there were places where dialogue couldn’t survive. But then we learned to ask, “Are you saying there isn’t anyone you know who is able to hold a high-risk conversation in a way that solves problems and builds relationships?” There usually is.

💡 Am being skeptical about this. There are people who doesn't have the shared pool of meaning - and there is always a chain of command where. It is difficult to make the survival just based on crucial conversation. We are forced to get creative a play the long game.

Summary: Start With Heart

Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals—particularly when the going gets tough.

• Work on Me First, Us Second
• Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.
• Focus on What You Really Want
• When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives.
• Ask yourself: “What am I acting like I want?”
• Then, clarify what you really want.
  • Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?”
  • And finally, ask: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”
• Refuse the Fool’s Choice
  • As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice.
  • Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the “and.”
  • Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

Review session 4

5. Master my stories

How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt

We are almost ready to open our mouths. But not quite yet. We still have one problem to solve: We don’t feel like engaging in dialogue. What we feel like doing would forever eliminate the chance to run for public office. When our emotions comes into play, we ofter become the worst version of ourselves and the conversation nosedives. This chapter explores how to gain control of Crucial conversations by learning how to take charge of your emotions. How you respond to your own emotions is the best predictor of everything that matters in life. It is the very essence of emotional intelligence. By learning to exert influence over your own feelings, you’ll place yourself in a far better position to use all the tools of Crucial Conversations.

Emotions Don't just happen

Others can "make us" feel a certain way is not actually true. We are the ones responsible for our own emotions. Some people react more strongly to the same stimulus because they have not learned to master their emotions. There are 2 bold claims:

1. Claim 1 - Emotions are created by the individual, not imposed by others,
2. Claim 2 - Individuals must choose to either act on or master their emotions.

The worst at dialogue fall hostage to their emotions, and they don’t even know it. The good at dialogue realize that if they don’t control their emotions, matters will get worse. So they try something else. They fake it. They take a deep breath and count to 10. They choke down reactions and then do their best to get back to dialogue. At least, they give it a shot. Unfortunately, once these emotionally choked folks hit a rough spot in a Crucial Conversation, their suppressed emotions come out of hiding. These suppressed emotions sneak out of the cubbyhole they’ve been crammed into and find a way to creep into the conversation. It’s never pretty, and it always kills dialogue.

The best at dialogue aren’t held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions. When they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out. As a result, they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results. This, of course, is easier said than done. It’s not easy to rethink yourself from an emotional and dangerous state into one that puts you back in control. But it can be done. It should be done.

The path to action

To help rethink our emotions, we need to know where our feeling come from.

FEEL (hurt/worried) => ACT (silence/cheap shots)

Most of the actions stem from the feelings. What is causing someone's feeling hurt/worried? Is it another person making them feel insulted or hurt? People hear and see things and generate an emotion and then they act out on their feeling.

SEE & HEAR => ⁇ ⁇ ⁇ => FEEL => ACT

What exactly happens between when someone sees§ & hears and what they feel? Does what we see, hear or experience make us feel something? If so why different people react differently under same cirumstances?

Stories create feelings

As it turns out, just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotions about it, we tell ourselves a story. We add meaning to the action we observed. We make a guess at the motive driving the behaviour. why were they doing that? We also add judgement - is that good or bad? Based on these thoughts or stories our body responds with an emotion. This intermediate step is why, when faced with the exact same circumstances, 10 people may have 10 different emotional responses.

SEE & HEAR => [TELL A STORY] => FEEL => ACT

We observe, we tell a story, and then we feel. Although this addition complicates the model a bit, it also gives us hope. Since we and only we are telling the story, we can take back control of our own emotions by telling a different story. We now have a point of leverage or control. If we can find a way to change the stories we tell by rethinking or retelling them, we can master our emotions and, therefore, master our Crucial Conversations.

Our Stories

Stories provide our rationale for what’s going on. They’re our interpretations of the facts. They start by helping to explain what we see and hear (“Carl is walking out of the building with a bright yellow box. Yellow boxes contain secure material”). But usually stories take the what a step further and give voice to why something is happening (“Carl is stealing our intellectual property”). Our stories contain not just conclusions but also judgments (whether something is good or bad) and attributions (interpretation of others’ motives).

As we come up with our own meaning or stories, it isn’t long until our body responds with strong feelings or emotions—after all, our emotions are directly linked to our judgments of right/wrong, good/bad, kind/selfish, fair/unfair, etc. some story yields anger and frustration. These feelings, in turn, drive us to our actions—toggling back and forth between clamming up and taking an occasional cheap shot.

Facts about Stories

• Even if you don't realise it, you are telling yourself stories
• Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories
• If we take control our stories, they won't control us

The good news is we can tell different stories and break the loop. In fact, until we tell different stories, we cannot break the loop. If you want improved results from your Crucial Conversations, change the stories you tell yourself—even while you’re in the middle of the fray.

Why master our stories

Mastering our stories isn’t about letting someone off the hook for bad behavior. Instead, it is the first step toward addressing that behavior through dialogue. When we master our stories, we take ownership for the emotional energy we bring to the conversation. And when we do that, we begin to change the conversation.

It’s risky to leave your story unexamined is that your story might be creating your reality. Most often, when people defend their story, they are saying that their story is an accurate reflection of reality. The reality came first, and their story merely captured it. Maybe. But when you dig deeper, it is not uncommon to find that the story itself created the reality. Or at least contributed to it. We call this a “downward spiral.”

Skills for mastering our stories

What’s the most effective way to come up with different stories? The best at dialogue find a way to first slow down and then take charge of their Path to Action. Here’s how:

Retrace Your Path

To slow down the lightning-quick storytelling process and the subsequent flow of adrenaline, retrace your Path to Action—one element at a time. This calls for a bit of mental gymnastics. First you have to stop what you’re currently doing. Then you have to get in touch with why you’re doing it. Here’s how to retrace your path:

ACT => FEEL => TELL STORY => SEE & HEAR

• (Act) Notice your behavior. Ask: “Am I acting out my concerns rather than talking them out?”
• (Feel) Put your feelings into words. Ask: “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?”
• (Tell story) Analyze your stories. Ask: “What story is creating these emotions?”
• (See/hear) Get back to the facts. Ask: “What have I seen or heard that supports this story? What have I seen or heard that conflicts with this story?” By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change any or all of the elements.

Watch for Three “Clever” Stories

When we feel a need to justify our ineffective behavior or disconnect ourselves from our bad results, we tend to tell our stories in three very predictable ways. Learn what the three are and how to counteract them, and you can take control of your emotional life.

1. Victim Stories - It is not my Fault

Victim Stories, as you might imagine, make us out to be innocent sufferers. The theme is always the same. We are good, right, brilliant, or righteous, and other people or the world at large is aligned against us. We suffer through absolutely no fault of our own. We are innocent. Within most Crucial Conversations, when you tell a Victim Story, you intentionally ignore the role you have played in the problem. You tell your story in a way that judiciously avoids whatever you have done (or neglected to do) that might have contributed to the problem.

To help support your Victim Stories, you speak of nothing but your noble motives: “I took longer because I was trying to beat the standard specs.” Then you tell yourself that you’re being punished for your virtues, not your vices

2. Villain Stories - It is All your Fault

We create these nasty little tales by turning normal, decent human beings into villains. We impute bad motive, and then we tell everyone about the evils of the other party as if somehow we’re doing the world a huge favor. We ignore any of our villains’ virtues and turn their flaws into exaggerated indictments. In Victim Stories we exaggerate our own innocence. In Villain Stories we overemphasize the other person’s guilt or stupidity.

Not only do Villain Stories help us blame others for bad results; they also set us up to then do whatever we want to the “villains.”

Watch for the double standard. When you pay attention to Victim and Villain Stories and catch them for what they are—unfair caricatures—you begin to see the terrible double standard we use when our emotions are out of control. When we make mistakes, we tell a Victim Story by claiming our intentions were innocent and pure. On the other hand, when others do things that hurt or inconvenience us, we tell Villain Stories in which we invent terrible motives or exaggerate flaws for others based on how their actions affected us.

3. Helpless Stories - There's nothing else I can do

Finally come Helpless Stories. In these fabrications we make ourselves out to be powerless to do anything healthy or helpful. We convince ourselves that there are no healthy alternatives for dealing with our predicament, which justifies the action we’re about to take. While Villain and Victim Stories look back to explain why we’re in the situation we’re in, Helpless Stories look forward to explain why we can’t do anything to change our situation.

It’s particularly easy to act helpless when we turn others’ behavior into fixed and unchangeable traits. For example, when we decide our colleague is a “control freak” (Villain Story), we are less inclined to give her feedback because, after all, control freaks like her don’t accept feedback (Helpless Story). Nothing we can do will change that fact. As you can see, Helpless Stories often stem from Villain Stories and typically offer us nothing more than Fool’s Choices—we can either be honest and ruin the relationship or stay silent and suffer.

Why We Tell Clever Stories

“If clever stories are so terribly hurtful, why do we ever tell clever stories?” There are two reasons:

1. Clever stories match reality. Sometimes the stories we tell are accurate. The other person is trying to cause us harm, we are innocent victims, or maybe we really can’t do much about the problem. It can happen. It’s not common, but it can happen.

2. Clever stories justify our actions. Our need to tell clever stories often starts with our own sellouts. Like it or not, we usually don’t begin telling stories that justify our actions until we have done something that we feel a need to justify. We sell out when we consciously act against our own sense of what’s right. And if we don’t admit to our errors, we inevitably look for ways to justify them. That’s when we begin to tell clever stories.

Sell outs

Sellouts are often not big events. In fact, they can be so small that they’re easy for us to overlook when we’re crafting our clever stories. Here are some common ones:

• You believe you should help someone, but don’t.
• You believe you should apologize, but don’t.

Even small sellouts like these get us started telling clever stories. When we don’t admit to our own mistakes, we obsess about others’ faults, our innocence, and our powerlessness to do anything other than what we’re already doing. We tell a clever story when we want self-justification more than results.

Tell the Rest of the Story

Once we’ve learned to recognize the clever stories we tell ourselves, we can move to the final Master My Stories skill. The best at dialogue recognize that they’re telling clever stories, stop, and then do what it takes to tell a useful story. A useful story, by definition, creates emotions that lead to healthy action—such as dialogue. And what transforms a clever story into a useful one? The rest of the story. That’s because clever stories have one characteristic in common: They’re incomplete. Clever stories omit crucial information about us, about others, and about our options. Only by including all these essential details can clever stories be transformed into useful ones. What’s the best way to fill in the missing details? Quite simply, it’s done by turning victims into actors, villains into humans, and the helpless into the able. Here’s how:

1. Turn victims into actors. If you notice that you’re talking about yourself as an innocent victim (and you weren’t held up at gunpoint), ask: “What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?”. By asking what role you’ve played, you begin to realize how selective your perception has been. You become aware of how you’ve minimized your own mistakes while you’ve exaggerated the role of others.
2. Turn villains into humans. When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?” This particular question humanizes others. As we search for plausible answers to it, our emotions soften. Empathy often replaces judgment, and depending upon how we’ve treated others, personal accountability replaces self-justification.
3. Turn the helpless into the able. Finally, when you catch yourself bemoaning your own helplessness, you can tell the complete story by returning to your original motive. To do so, stop and ask: “What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?” Then break free of the Fool’s Choice that’s made you feel helpless to choose anything other than going on the attack or staying silent. Do this by asking: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”

Part II - How to Open Your Mouth

6. Learn to look

How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk

Watch For Conditions

The sooner you notice you’re not in dialogue, the easier it is to get back and the lower the costs

During Crucial Conversations, the key to maintaining dialogue is to learn to dual-process. Not only do you have to be attentive to the content of the conversation (what is being said), but you also have to skillfully observe the process (how it’s being said). When stakes get high, we get so caught up in what we’re saying that it can be nearly impossible to pull ourselves out of the argument.

It takes both knowledge and practice to know what to look for and then actually see it. So what do you look for when caught in the middle of a Crucial Conversation? What do you need to see in order to catch problems before they become too severe? It helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress. Let’s consider each of these conversation killers in turn.

Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations

First, stay alert for the moment a conversation turns from a routine or harmless discussion into a crucial one.

To help catch problems early, reprogram your mind to pay attention to the signs that suggest you’re in a Crucial Conversation. Some people first notice physical signals. Think about what happens to your body when conversations get tough. Everyone is a little bit different. What are your cues? Maybe your stomach gets tight or your eyes get dry. Whatever they are, learn to look at them as signs to step back, slow down, and Start with Heart before things get out of hand.

Others notice their emotions before they notice signs in their body. They realize they are scared, hurt, defensive, or angry and are beginning to react to or suppress these feelings. These emotions can also be great cues to tell you to step back, slow down, and take steps to turn your brain back on.

Some people’s first cue is behavioral. For them it’s like an out-of-body experience. They see themselves raising their voice, pointing their finger like a loaded weapon, or becoming very quiet. It’s only then that they realize how they’re feeling. So take a moment to think about some of your toughest conversations. What cues can you use to recognize that your brain is beginning to disengage and you’re at risk of moving away from healthy dialogue?

Learn to Look for Safety Problems

People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety. They pay attention to the content, and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful. The best at dialogue immediately turn their attention to why others might not feel safe. When it’s safe, you can say anything. Here’s why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. Fight and flight—are motivated by the same emotion: fear.

If you make it safe enough, you can talk about almost anything, and people will listen. If you don’t fear that you’re being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive.

We’re suggesting that people rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe, or when they question why you’re saying the things you are. Specifically, they begin to speculate about either your respect (“Is this message a sign of disrespect?”), your intent (“Does this message tell me you have malicious motives toward me?”), or both. Either way, the problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation.

If you can learn to see when people start to feel unsafe, you can take action to fix it. That means the first challenge is to simply see and understand that safety is at risk.

Why in this instance were you able to take potentially threatening feedback so well? If you’re like the rest of us, it’s because you believed the other person had your best interest in mind. In addition, you respected the other person’s opinion. You felt safe receiving the feedback because you trusted the motives and ability of the other person. You didn’t need to defend yourself from what was being said—even if you didn’t like what the person was saying!

When you don’t feel safe, even well-intended comments are suspect.

Safety isn’t synonymous with comfort.

At this point, it is worth noting that feeling safe in a conversation is not synonymous with feeling comfortable.The measure of whether a conversation is safe is not how comfortable I feel. It is whether meaning is flowing. Do I, and others, feel like we can share our meaning, have that meaning heard, and also listen honestly and respectfully to each other? If you can do that, if meaning is flowing honestly and respectfully, you know safety is there.

When it’s unsafe, you start to go blind.

As we know, when your emotions start cranking up, key brain functions start shutting down. When you feel genuinely threatened, your peripheral vision actually narrows until you can scarcely see beyond what’s right in front of you. By pulling yourself out of the content of an argument and looking for signs that safety is at risk, you reengage your brain, and your full vision returns.

Don’t let safety problems lead you astray.

When others begin to feel unsafe, they start acting in annoying ways. Just to be crystal clear, we are not asking you to tolerate abusive behavior. We are asking you to consider the cause of that behavior. Learn to identify the two kinds of behavior that will clue you in to the fact that someone’s feeling unsafe. We refer to them as silence and violence.

Silence and Violence

As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to verbal violence (trying to force meaning in the pool). knowing a few of the common forms of silence and violence helps you see safety problems when they first start to happen. That way you can step out, restore safety, and return to dialogue—before the damage is too great.

Silence

Silence consists of any act to purposely withhold information from the pool of meaning. It’s almost always done as a means of avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of meaning. Methods range from playing verbal games to avoiding a person entirely. The three most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.

Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms:

• “Oh yeah, that’ll work like a charm” (accompanied by an eye roll).
• “Offer people a discount, and they’ll drive all the way across town just to save six cents on a box of soap.”

Meaning: What a dumb idea.

Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues:

“Speaking of ideas for cost cutting, what if we diluted the coffee? Or used both sides of our copier paper?” Meaning: If I offer trivial suggestions, perhaps we can avoid discussing sensitive things like staff inefficiency.

Withdrawing means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room: “Excuse me. I’ve got to take this call.” Meaning: I’d rather gnaw off my own arm than spend one more minute in this useless meeting.

“Sorry, I’m not going to talk about how to split up the phone bill again. I’m not sure our friendship can stand another battle.” (Exits.) Meaning: We can’t talk about even the simplest of topics without arguing.

Violence.

Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince or control others or compel them to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are controlling, labeling, and attacking.

Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. It’s done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation by interrupting, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions, among other strategies: When not certain of the real facts, so people use hyperbole to get your attention.

Labeling is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category:

• I can’t argue my case on its merits, so to get what I want, I’ll attack you personally.

Attacking speaks for itself. Your motive goes from winning the argument to making the other person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening:

• Try that stupid little stunt and see what happens.
• Meaning: I will get my way on this even if I have to bad-mouth you and threaten some vague punishment.
• Meaning: To get my way, I’ll say bad things about you and then pretend that I’m the only one with any integrity.

Look for Your Style Under Stress

You’ve been paying attention to determine when a conversation turns crucial and to identify signs that safety is at risk. There is one more thing you need to watch: your own behavior. This is perhaps the most difficult element to watch closely.

Low self-monitors

The truth is, we all have trouble monitoring our own behavior at times. We usually lose any semblance of social sensitivity when we become so consumed with ideas and causes that we lose track of what we’re doing.

Your Style Under Stress Test

Looking Virtually

We’re calling, texting, emailing, and videoconferencing more than ever. So how do you learn to look when you aren’t face-to-face? The very best communicators realize that, at its heart, learning to look is about expanding your data stream. You see more, and as well you understand more about what you see.

Expand the data stream.

Learn to look for signs that safety is at risk. How do you expand your data stream? Start by asking for more data. For example:

• Email - “I haven’t heard back from you in a couple of days in response to the email I sent you. I am not sure how to interpret your silence. How are you feeling about the proposal?”
• Telephone - “I wish I could see your face right now. I don’t know how you’re hearing my message, and I would hate for you to misinterpret it. Can you help me understand what you’re thinking right now?”
• Direct messaging - “When I read the comment that you posted on my social media account, I wasn’t sure how to take it. It seemed like you might be upset. Are you?”

When you see signs of silence or violence in virtual communication, ask for more data. When you do, either people will add meaning to the pool about what they’re feeling or thinking, or they’ll hold back. If they don’t disclose more about how they’re feeling, that is its own confirming data. Then it’s time to Make It Safe—the topic of the next chapter.

Summary: Learn To Look

When caught up in a Crucial Conversation, it’s difficult to see exactly what’s going on and why. When a discussion becomes stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works. We turn to the less healthy components of our Style Under Stress. To break from this insidious pattern, Learn to Look:

• At content and conditions
• For when things become crucial
• For safety problems
• To see if others are moving toward silence or violence
• For outbreaks of your Style Under Stress

6. Make It Safe

How to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost Anything

If you spot safety risks as they happen, you can step out of the conversation, build safety, and then find a way to talk just about anything with just about anyone.

Step Out. Make It Safe. Then Step Back In

How can you get back to honest and healthy dialogue? What do you do when you don’t feel safe sharing what’s on your mind? The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. That’s right. When safety is at risk and you notice people moving to silence or violence, you need to step out of the content of the conversation (literally stop talking about the topic of your conversation) and rebuild safety. How do you do that?

You first need to understand why someone feels unsafe. People never become defensive about what you’re saying (the content of your message). They become defensive because of why they think you’re saying it (the intent). Said another way, safety in a conversation is about intent, not content. When people become defensive, it is because either:

1. You have a bad intent toward them (and they are accurately picking up on that). Or:
2. They have misunderstood your good intent.

If it’s the former, you need to go back and Start with Heart. Remember, it’s easy for our motives to degrade in a Crucial Conversation. Check yourself by asking, what am I acting like I want? This question helps us see ourselves as other people are seeing us. Then ask yourself, what do you really want? For you? For them? For the relationship? If your motives have degraded, step back and refocus on what it is you really want. Now, often the problem is not that we have a bad intent. It’s that our intent has been misunderstood. Remember, human beings are wired to look for threats. When people feel threatened, they move to silence or verbal violence or to flight or fight—none of which are great for problem solving.

All you need to do to destroy safety in a Crucial Conversation is . . . nothing. During these tense seconds at the beginning of a conversation, others are scanning your every facial tic or leg crossing for evidence of your intentions. Do you mean them harm? Are you out to get them? Your job is to generate evidence that that’s not the case.

It’s not enough for you to have good intentions; the other person must know that this is the case. Think about this in the context of unconscious bias—the discomforts and judgments that we have about those who are different from us and that we are unaware we carry. These biases will cause you to communicate subtle signals to others that make them feel unsafe—breaking eye contact, stepping back a bit, frowning almost imperceptibly, etc.

The best at dialogue don’t play games. Period. They know that in order to solve their problem, they’ll need to talk about their problem—with no pretending, sugarcoating, or faking. So they do something completely different. They step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in. Once safety is restored, they can talk about nearly anything.

Two Conditions Of Safety

In order for people to feel safe with you, they need to know two things about your intent. They need to know that:

• You care about their concerns (Mutual Purpose).
• You care about them (Mutual Respect).

We call Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect the conditions of dialogue. Only when these two conditions are met, when there is Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect, will you have the safety needed for meaning to flow into the pool.

Mutual Purpose—the Entrance Condition

Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values. And vice versa. You believe they care about yours. Consequently, Mutual Purpose is the entry condition of dialogue. Find a shared goal, and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking.

You see, human beings have an innate need to be heard. We want to be listened to and understood. So a great Mutual Purpose to start with is to seek mutual understanding. If the other person truly believes you sincerely want to understand his or her needs or point of view, you have the basic makings of safety. And once the other person feels deeply understood, he or she is more likely to have the psychological resources to listen to you.

It’s important to me that we have a collaborative and productive relationship. I’d like to talk about a pattern I’ve noticed in our conversations. I know we often have different goals or objectives. And I hope you know that I care about your objectives as well as my own. Sometimes, though, I sense that you don’t really care about my goals, and that can make it tough for me to talk about things with you. I’m wondering if I’ve misread this.

Mutual Respect—the Continuance Condition

You can’t stay in the conversation if you don’t maintain Mutual Respect. Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. As people perceive that others don’t respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe, and dialogue comes to a screeching halt.

Why? Because respect is like air. As long as it’s present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it’s all that people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose—it is now about defending dignity.

Telltale signs.

To spot when respect is violated and safety takes a turn south, watch for signs that people are defending their dignity.

To determine when Mutual Respect is at risk, ask yourself, “Do others believe I respect them?”

Build, And Rebuild, Safety

We know we need to have both Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect in order to have an effective dialogue.

But how? What are you supposed to actually do? Here are four skills that the best at dialogue routinely use to build safety up front in a conversation and rebuild safety when it’s been lost:

• Share your good intent.
• Apologize when appropriate.
• Contrast to fix misunderstandings.
• Create a Mutual Purpose.

Share Your Good Intent

When you start the conversation by sharing your good intent, you lay the foundation for safety. It doesn’t mean that the other person won’t get defensive as the conversation progresses, but it does give you the touchstone you need to return to again and again when safety is at risk.

Apologize When Appropriate

When you’ve made a mistake that has hurt others, start with an apology. An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing—or at least not preventing—pain or difficulty to others.

Now an apology isn’t really an apology unless you experience a change in heart. To offer a sincere apology, your motives have to change. You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning in order to focus on what you really want. You have to sacrifice a bit of your ego by admitting your error. But like many sacrifices, when you give up something you value, you’re rewarded with something even more valuable—healthy dialogue and better results.

Contrast to Fix Misunderstandings

Sometimes others feel disrespected during Crucial Conversations even though you haven’t done anything disrespectful.

It would be disingenuous to admit you were wrong when you weren’t. How, then, can you rebuild Mutual Purpose or Mutual Respect in order to make it safe to get back to dialogue? When others misinterpret either your purpose or your intent, step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called “Contrasting.” Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that fixes misunderstandings:

• In the “don’t” part of the statement, you explain what you don’t intend for the conversation. This addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose.
• In the “do” part of the statement, you clarify what your intention for the conversation really is. This confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose.

Of the two parts of Contrasting, the don’t is the more important because it deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk.

When people misunderstand and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop. Use Contrasting. Explain what you don’t mean until you’ve restored safety. Then return to the conversation. Safety first. Once you’ve done this and safety returns to the conversation, then you can explain what you do intend. Safety first.

Use Contrasting to provide context and proportion.

If this belief is incorrect, use Contrasting to clarify what you don’t and do believe. Start with what you don’t believe:

Use Contrasting for prevention.

“I’d like to talk to you about something that’s worrying me, and I’m honestly not sure how to handle this conversation. My fear is that I’ll draw down on our relationship, and that’s not my intent at all. It’s the opposite. My goal in bringing this up is to strengthen our relationship.”

Create a Mutual Purpose

Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of a debate because we clearly have different purposes. There is no misunderstanding here. Contrasting won’t do the trick. We need something sturdier for this job. The best at dialogue use four skills to create a Mutual Purpose. If it helps you remember what to do, note that the four skills used in creating Mutual Purpose form the acronym CRIB.

Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose

As with most dialogue skills, if we want to get back to dialogue, we have to Start with Heart. In this case, we have to agree to agree. To be successful, we have to stop using silence or violence to compel others to our view. We must even surrender false dialogue, where we pretend to have Mutual Purpose (calmly arguing our side until the other person gives in).

Simply say: “It seems like we’re both trying to force our view on each other. I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfies both of us.” Then watch whether safety takes a turn for the better.

Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy

Wanting to come up with a shared goal is a wonderful first step, but desire alone is not enough. After we’ve experienced a change of heart, we need to change our strategy as well. Here’s the problem we have to fix: When we find ourselves at an impasse, it’s because we’re asking for one thing and the other person is asking for something else. We think we’ll never find a way out because we equate what we’re asking for with what we actually want. In truth, what we’re asking for is the strategy we’re suggesting to get what we want. We confuse wants or purpose with strategies. That’s the problem.

Before you can agree on a Mutual Purpose, you must first know what people’s real purposes are. Step out of the content of the conversation—which is generally focused on strategies—and explore the purposes behind them.

Invent a Mutual Purpose

Sometimes when you recognize the purposes behind another person’s strategies, you discover that you actually have compatible goals. From there you simply come up with common strategies.

But you’re not always so lucky. For example, you find out that your genuine wants and goals cannot be served except at the expense of the other person’s. In this case you cannot discover a Mutual Purpose. That means you’ll have to actively invent one. Find an objective that is more meaningful or more rewarding than the ones that divide the various sides.

By focusing on higher and longer-term goals, you often find ways to transcend short-term compromises, build Mutual Purpose, and return to dialogue.

Brainstorm New Strategies

Once you’ve built safety by finding a shared purpose, you should have enough safety to return to the content of the conversation. It’s time to step back into the dialogue and brainstorm strategies that meet everyone’s needs. Suspend judgment and think outside the box for new alternatives.

Create a Mutual Purpose

In summary, when you sense that you and others are working at cross-purposes, here’s what you can do. First, step out of the content of the conflict. Stop focusing on who thinks what. Then create a Mutual Purpose:

• Commit to seek a Mutual Purpose. Make a unilateral public commitment to stay in the conversation until you come up with something that serves everyone.

• Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. Ask people why they want what they’re pushing for. Separate what they’re demanding from the purpose it serves.

• Invent a Mutual Purpose. If after clarifying everyone’s purposes you’re still at odds, see if you can invent a higher or longer-term purpose that’s more motivating than the ones that keep you in conflict.

• Brainstorm new strategies. With a clear Mutual Purpose, you can join forces in searching for a solution that serves everyone.

Write It Twice

Well, hold on to your seats for this one . . . because it turns out that you create safety in written communication the same way you do in face-to-face conversation. Yep, if you are emailing another human being and want to create safety for the person, the key is to remember that you are emailing another human being. And then create safety by sharing your good intent, because that’s what makes it safe for human beings. Problematically, at the moment that it’s most important to remember, we forget that we’re communicating with a human being who needs to feel safe. After all, no one else is around. It’s just us and our keyboard, and we are typing away.

So here’s a tip for making sure you communicate intent when typing a crucial message to someone: Write it twice. First, write the message to get your content across. Once you have your content down, consider how your intent is coming across. Read the message slowly, imagining the other person’s face. How might the person feel at each point in your message? Then rewrite it with safety in mind. Notice places someone may misunderstand your intentions or your respect, and clarify what you do and don’t intend for them to hear. In less formal, more personal relationships, you may even want to describe the facial expression you’re wearing as you write something just to make your intent even clearer.

She believes his concern in one small area reflects his total feelings toward her.

Summary: Make It Safe

Step Out Of The Content

When others move to silence or violence, step out of the content of the conversation and Make It Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue.

Decide Which Condition of Safety Is at Risk

• Mutual Purpose. Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives?
• Mutual Respect. Do others believe you respect them? Share Your Good Intent To start the conversation off right, share your positive intent. What do you really want? For you and the other person.

Apologize When Appropriate

When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize.

Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding

When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intend or mean.

Create a Mutual Purpose

When you are at cross-purposes, use the four CRIB skills to get back to Mutual Purpose:

• Commit to seek Mutual Purpose.
• Recognize the purpose behind the strategy.
• Invent a Mutual Purpose
• Brainstorm new strategies.

8. State My Path

How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively

We are well prepared. We’re ready to open our mouths and start sharing our point of view. That’s right, we’re actually going to express our opinion. Now what?

In fact, as we suggested earlier, the more important the discussion, the less likely we are to be on our best behavior. Sadly, as we’ll see, we express our views in a way that is perfectly designed to provoke defensiveness. To help us improve our advocacy skills, we’ll examine five skills that solve our two main problems: defensiveness and resistance

Share Risky Meaning

When the topic turns from things to people, it’s always more difficult. Those who are good at dialogue say some of what’s on their minds, but they understate their views out of fear of hurting others. They talk all right, but they carefully sugarcoat their message. The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it as well. They are both totally candid and completely respectful

Maintain Safety

In order to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others, we have to find a way to maintain safety. That’s a bit like telling someone to smash another person in the nose, but, you know, don’t hurt him. How can we speak the unspeakable and still maintain respect? It can be done if you know how to carefully blend three ingredients: confidence, humility, and skill.

Confidence.

Most people simply won’t hold delicate conversations—well, at least not with the right person

People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. They are confident that their opinions deserve to be placed in the pool of meaning. They are also confident that they can speak openly without brutalizing others or causing undue offense.

Humility.

Confidence does not equate to arrogance or pigheadedness. Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input. They realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth. They are curious about information and perspectives others have. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final word. They may currently believe something but realize that with new information they may change their minds. This means they’re willing to both express their opinions and encourage others to do the same

Skill

Finally, people who willingly share delicate information are good at doing it. That’s why they’re confident in the first place. They don’t make a Fool’s Choice, because they’ve found a path that allows for both candor and safety. They speak the unspeakable, and more often than

Yes, reading this book and learning the skills of dialogue is an important first step. But reading alone won’t make you better at dialogue. You have to start holding Crucial Conversations if you want to get better at holding Crucial Conversations.

STATE My Path

That means that despite your worst suspicions, you shouldn’t violate respect. In a similar vein, you shouldn’t kill safety with threats and accusations.

So what should you do? Start with Heart. Think about what you really want and how dialogue can help you get it. And master your story—realize that you may be jumping to a hasty Victim, Villain, or Helpless Story. The best way to find out the true story is not to act out the worst story you can generate. That will lead to self-destructive silence and violence games. Think about other possible explanations long enough to temper your emotions so you can get to dialogue. Besides, if it turns out you’re right about your initial impression, there will be plenty of time for confrontations later on. Once you’ve worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills that

can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for:

• Share your facts.
• Tell your story.
• Ask for others’ paths.
• Talk tentatively.
• Encourage testing.

The first three skills describe what to do. The last two tell how to do it.

The “What” Skills

When we’re drunk on adrenaline, we lack either the wisdom or patience for reasoning. Since we’re obsessing on our emotions and stories, we expect others to join us there. Starting with our ugly stories is the most controversial, least influential, and most insulting way we could begin.

Share your Facts - What Skill

Facts are the least controversial. Facts form the foundation for the conversation. We want the other person to allow our meaning to be added to the shared pool. Before it is, it has to get a fair hearing. We’re trying to help others see how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could end up with the story we’re carrying. That’s all. When we start with shocking or offensive conclusions (“Quit groping me with your eyes!” or “I think we should declare bankruptcy”), we encourage others to tell Villain Stories about us. Since we’ve given them no facts to support our conclusion, people are left to make up reasons we’re saying these things. They’re likely to believe we’re either stupid or evil. Gathering the facts is the homework required for Crucial Conversations.

Also, remember that you are sharing your facts. The skill here is to share your facts, not the facts. You are sharing what you have seen and heard. When you acknowledge that these are your facts, you make space for other facts—things the other person may have seen and heard. Sure, you have done your homework thoroughly in gathering the facts, but you don’t pretend to have all the facts.

Tell Your Story - What Skill

We’re often far too eager to tell our stories (our judgments and conclusions). Sometimes just laying out the facts is enough to invite people into helping you make sense of them. But by all means, if you do want to share your story, don’t start with it. Your story (particularly if it has led to a rather harsh conclusion) could unnecessarily surprise or insult others. It could kill safety in one rash, ill-conceived sentence

Sharing your story can be tricky. You need to earn the right to share your story by starting with your facts. Even then, the other person can still become defensive when you move from facts to stories. After all, you’re sharing potentially unflattering conclusions and judgments. Why share your story in the first place? Because the facts alone are rarely worth mentioning. It’s the facts plus the conclusion that call for a face-to-face discussion. In addition, if you simply mention the facts, the other person may not understand the severity of the implications

It takes confidence

It can be difficult to share negative conclusions and unattractive judgments (e.g., “I’m wondering if you’re a thief”). It takes confidence to share such a potentially inflammatory story. However, if you’ve done your homework by thinking through the facts behind your story, you’ll realize that you are drawing a reasonable, rational, and decent conclusion. One that deserves to be heard. And by starting with the facts, you’ve laid the groundwork. When you think through the facts and then lead with them, you’re much more likely to have the confidence you need to add controversial and vitally important meaning to the shared pool.

Be careful not to apologize for your views. Remember, the goal of Contrasting is not to water down your message, but to be sure that people don’t hear more than you intend. Be confident enough to share what you really want to express.

Ask for other paths - What Skill

If your goal is to keep expanding the pool of meaning rather than to be right, to make the best decision rather than to get your way, then you’ll willingly listen to other views. By being open to learning, you’re demonstrating the curiosity that comes from true humility—a commitment to truth over ego.

Talk Tentatively - How Skill

If you look back at the vignettes we’ve shared so far, you’ll note that we were careful to describe both facts and stories in a tentative, or nondogmatic, way. For example, “I’m beginning to conclude that . . .” or “I’m tempted to think . . .” Talking tentatively simply means that we tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a hard fact. “Perhaps you were unaware . . .” suggests that you’re not absolutely certain of what the person knew. “In my opinion . . .” says you’re sharing an opinion and no more. When sharing a story, strike a blend between confidence and humility. Share in a way that expresses appropriate confidence in your conclusions while demonstrating that, if called for, you want your conclusions challenged. To do so:

“Talk tentatively” is not about softening the message; it’s about strengthening it. Remember, your goal is to add meaning to the pool. And it won’t make it into the pool unless the other person consents to it. If you attempt to disguise your conclusions as facts, the other person is likely to resist rather than consider them. Then nothing gets into the pool. One of the ironies of dialogue is that when there’s a difference of opinions, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more resistant others become. Speaking in absolute and overstated terms does not increase your influence; it decreases it. The converse is also true—the more tentatively you speak, the more open people become to your opinions.

This raises an interesting question. Individuals have asked us if being tentative is the same as being manipulative. You’re pretending to be uncertain about your opinion in order to help others consider it less defensively.

The reason you should speak tentatively is because you aren’t certain that your opinions represent absolute truth or that your understanding of the facts is complete and perfect. You should never pretend to be less confident than you are. But you should also not pretend to be more confident than your limited capacity allows. Your observations could be faulty. Your stories—well, they’re only educated guesses.

Tentative, not wimpy.

Some people are so worried about being too forceful or pushy that they err in the other direction. They wimp out by making still another Fool’s Choice. They figure that the only safe way to share touchy data is to act as if it’s not important: “I know this is probably not true . . .” or “Call me crazy, but . . .” When you begin with a complete disclaimer and a tone that suggests you’re consumed with doubt, you do the message a disservice. It’s one thing to be humble and open. It’s quite another to be clinically uncertain. Use language that says you’re sharing an opinion, not language that says you’re a nervous wreck.

Just right: “It appears to me that you’re taking this home for your own use. Is that right?”

Just right: “It’s leading me to conclude that you’re starting to use drugs. Do you have another explanation that I’m missing here?”

Just right: “I’m starting to feel like you don’t trust me. Is that what’s going on here? If so, I’d like to know what I did to lose your trust.”

Just right: “I don’t think you’re intending this, but I’m beginning to feel rejected.”

Encourage Testing - How Skill

When you ask others to share their paths, how you phrase your invitation makes a big difference. Not only should you invite others to talk, but you have to do so in a way that makes it clear that no matter how controversial their ideas might be, you want to hear them. Others need to feel safe sharing their observations and stories—particularly if they differ from yours. Otherwise, people don’t speak up, and you can’t test the accuracy and relevance of your views. Understand that the only limit to how strongly you can express your opinion is your willingness to be equally vigorous in encouraging others to challenge it.

Invite opposing views.

If you think others may be hesitant, make it clear that you want to hear their views—no matter how different. If their views disagree with yours, so much the better. If what they have to say is controversial or even touchy, respect them for finding the courage to express what they’re thinking.

Make sure they have the opportunity to share by actively inviting them to do so: “Does anyone see it differently?” “What am I missing here?” “I’d really like to hear the other side of this story.”

Mean it.

Sometimes people offer an invitation that sounds more like a threat than a legitimate call for opinions: “Well, that’s how I see it. Nobody disagrees, do they?” Don’t turn an invitation into a veiled threat. Invite people with both words and tone that say, “I really want to hear from you.” For instance: “I know people have been reluctant to speak up about this, but I would really love to hear from everyone.” Or “I know there are at least two sides to this story. Could we hear differing views now? What problems could this decision cause us?”

Play devil’s advocate.

Occasionally you can tell that others are not buying into your facts or story, but they’re not speaking up either. You’ve sincerely invited them, even encouraged differing views, but nobody says anything. Model disagreeing by disagreeing with your own view: “Maybe I’m wrong here. What if the opposite is true?

Encourage others until your motive becomes obvious.

At times—particularly if you’re in a position of authority—even being appropriately tentative doesn’t prevent others from suspecting that you want them to simply agree with you or that you’re inviting them into a trap. This may be the case when former bosses or authority figures have invited people to speak and then punished them for doing so.

How Did We Get Like This?

It starts with a story. When we believe we’re right and everyone else is wrong, we feel no need to expand the pool of meaning, because we own the pool. We also firmly believe it’s our duty to fight for the truth that we’re holding. It’s the honorable thing to do. It’s what people of character do. We feel justified in using dirty tricks.

How Do We Change?

The solution to employing excessive advocacy is actually rather simple—if you can just bring yourself to do it. When you find yourself just dying to convince others that your way is best, back off your current attack and think about what you really want for yourself, others, and the relationship.

When you find yourself wanting to simply announce the truth rather than engage in dialogue, use the skills you’ve learned up to this point:

• First, Learn to Look. Watch for the moment when people start to resist you—perhaps they begin to raise their volume and/or overstate the facts behind their views in reaction to your tactics—or perhaps they retreat into silence. Turn your attention away from the topic (no matter how important) and onto yourself. Are you leaning forward? Are you speaking more loudly? Are you starting to try to win? Are you hammering on your keyboard as you furiously type a comment? Remember: The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior.
• Second, check your intent. What is your goal in the conversation? Do you want to be heard, understood, or validated? Maybe you want to change the other person’s mind. You can’t control or determine what another person will think at the end of a conversation, but you can influence it. As you consider what you really want from the conversation, ask yourself, “How would I behave if this is really what I want?”

Back off your harsh and conclusive language. But don’t back off your belief. Hold to your belief; merely soften your approach.

Summary: State My Path

When you have a tough message to share, or when you’re so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path:

• Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action.
• Tell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude.
• Ask for others’ paths. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.
• Talk tentatively. State your story as a story—don’t disguise it as a fact.
• Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.

9. Explore Others’ Paths

How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up

Start with Heart

• Get ready to Listen
• Be Sincere
• Stay curious - To avoid overreacting to others’ stories, stay curious. A good way to distract your brain from spinning up stories of others’ malicious motives is to give it a different problem to focus on. Like this one: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?” Then get busy trying to find an answer to this question. The tools below will help you do that.
• Be patient. When others are acting out their feelings and opinions through silence or violence, it’s a good bet they’re starting to feel the effects of adrenaline. Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person’s verbal attack, we still have to face up to the fact that it’s going to take a little while for him or her to settle down. While it’s natural to move quickly from one thought to the next, strong emotions take a while to subside. Thoughts are all electricity. Emotions add chemistry. Once the chemicals that fuel emotions are released, they hang around in the bloodstream for a time—in some cases, long after thoughts have changed. So be patient while the chemistry catches up with the electricity. Allow people time to explore their path and then wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety you’ve created.

Inquiry Skills

When?

So far we’ve suggested that when other people appear to have a story to tell and facts to share, it’s our job to invite them to do so. Our cues are simple: Others are going to silence or violence. We can see that they’re feeling upset, fearful, or angry. We can see that if we don’t get at the source of their feelings, we’ll end up suffering the effects of the feelings. These external reactions are our cues to do whatever it takes to help others retrace their Path to Action.

How?

Whatever we do to invite the other person to share his or her path, our invitation must be sincere. As hard as it sounds, we must be genuine in the face of hostility, fear, or even abuse—which leads us to the next question.

What?

What does it take to get others to share their path? In a word, it requires listening. To encourage people to move from acting on their feelings to talking about their conclusions and observations, we must listen in a way that makes it safe for them to share their intimate thoughts. They must believe that when they share their thoughts, they won’t offend us or be punished for speaking frankly.

Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, or Prime (AMPP)

To encourage others to share their paths, we’ll use four power listening tools. We call the four skills power listening tools because they are best remembered with the acronym AMPP—ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime. These tools work regardless of whether people are in silence or violence.

Ask to Get Things Rolling

The easiest and most straightforward way to encourage others to share their Path to Action is simply to invite them to express themselves.

Being willing to stop filling the pool with your meaning and invite the other person to talk about his or her view can go a long way toward getting to the source of the problem.

Common invitations include: “What’s going on?” “I’d really like to hear your opinion on this.” “Please let me know if you see it differently.” “Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to hear your thoughts.”

Mirror to Confirm Feelings

If asking others to share their path doesn’t open things up, mirroring can help build more safety.

We play the role of mirror by describing how the other person looks or acts. Although we may not understand others’ stories or facts, we can see their actions and reflect them. Mirroring is most useful when another person’s tone of voice or gestures (hints about the emotions behind them) are inconsistent with his or her words.

So as we describe what we see, we have to do so calmly. If we act upset or as if we’re not going to like what others say, we don’t build safety. We confirm their suspicions that they need to remain silent. Examples of mirroring include: “You say you’re OK, but the tone of your voice sounds upset.” “You seem angry with me.” “You look nervous about confronting him. Are you sure you’re willing to do it?”

Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story

Asking and mirroring may help you get part of the other person’s story out into the open. When you get a clue about why the person is feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you’ve heard. Be careful not to simply parrot back what was said.

Instead, put the message in your own words—usually in an abbreviated form:

The key to paraphrasing, as with mirroring, is to remain calm and collected. Our goal is to make it safe, not to act horrified and suggest that the conversation is about to turn ugly. Stay focused on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this Path to Action.

Prime When You’re Getting Nowhere

On the other hand, there are times when you may conclude that others would like to open up but still don’t feel safe. Or maybe they’re still in violence, haven’t come down from the adrenaline, and aren’t explaining why they’re angry. When this is the case, you might want to try priming. Prime when you believe that the other person still has something to share and might do so with a little more effort on your part.

The power-listening term “priming” comes from the expression “priming the pump.” If you’ve ever worked an old-fashioned hand pump, you understand the metaphor. With a pump, you often have to pour some water into it to get it running.

Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building safety in hopes that others will share their meaning.

What If You Disagree? Remember Your Abcs

But what if you disagree? Some of the other person’s facts are wrong, and his or her stories are completely fouled up. Well, at least they’re a lot different from the story you’ve been telling. Now what?

Agree

So here’s the takeaway. If you completely agree with the other person’s path, say so and move on. Agree when you agree. Don’t turn an agreement into an argument.

Build

Of course, the reason most of us turn agreements into debates is because we disagree with a certain portion of what the other person has said.

We do this because we’re trained to look for minor errors from an early age.

By the time you finish your education, you have a virtual PhD in catching trivial differences and turning them into a major deal. So when another person offers up a suggestion (based on facts and stories), you’re looking to disagree. And when you do find a minor difference, you turn this snack into a meal. Instead of remaining in healthy dialogue, you end up in violent agreement.

If you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete, build. Point out areas of agreement, and then add elements that were left out of the discussion.

Compare

Finally, if you do disagree, compare your path with the other person’s. That is, rather than suggesting that the other person is wrong, suggest that you differ. He or she may, in fact, be wrong, but you don’t know for sure until you hear both sides of the story. For now, you just know that the two of you differ. So instead of pronouncing “Wrong!,” start with a tentative but candid opening. For example: “I see things differently. Let me describe how.” “I come at this from a different perspective.” “My data stream is different from yours. Can I share it?”

Then share your path using the STATE skills from Chapter 8.

In summary, to help remember these skills, think of your ABCs: Agree when you agree. Build when others leave out key pieces. Compare when you differ. Don’t turn differences into debates that lead to unhealthy relationships and bad results.

Set Expectations Up Front When Exploring

When exploring others’ paths, you are trying to create safety for people to share their meaning. But the pool expands only when their meaning is heard and when your meaning is heard. Your meaning needs to be in the pool as well. However, you will create more safety for others by helping them share their meaning first, before you dive into the pool with all your meaning. Start by listening, then sharing.

You can’t force people to listen to you. Just because you listened to them doesn’t necessarily mean they will listen to you. Still, most people will feel a sense of obligation to reciprocate. If you have sincerely listened and explored their path first, most people will be

willing to listen in return. It can also help to set that expectation up front.

For example: “Uncle Carl, I can tell that you’re really passionate about this, and I would sincerely like to explore and understand your point of view. I’m pretty sure it’s different from mine, and it would be great to learn more about what you think. I’m committing to listening with an open mind. I wonder if, once I’ve done that, you’d be willing to listen to my point of view with an open mind. How about it?”

Summary: Explore Others’ Paths

To encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave silence or violence behind, explore their Path to Action. Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore safety.

Then use four powerful listening skills to retrace the other person’s Path to Action to its origins:

• Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views.
• Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling.
• Paraphrase. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for others to share what they’re thinking.
• Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling. As you begin to respond, remember:
• Agree. Agree when you share views.
• Build. If others leave something out, agree where you share views; then build.
• Compare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views.

10. Retake Your Pen

How to Be Resilient When Hearing Tough Feedback

Critical feedback can be hard to hear. Some of the most Crucial Conversations of all are when others tell you unpleasant things about yourself. But there’s a difference between getting feedback and being feedsmacked. Most of us have been “feedsmacked” at some point in our life. We studied the stories of a few hundred people who had been feedsmacked at some point in their lives. Most told us of scars they carry to this day from these momentary encounters. When you read what they heard, it’s easy to conclude that damage was unavoidable.

“I didn’t think about how this felt to you. You’re right. That is what I do. I’ll fix it.” Three years ago Marlin feared truth and craved approval. Today he craves truth and fears approval. He has learned to keep approval at a healthy distance—to treat it as information, not affirmation. How did that happen? He learned to retake his pen.

Let’s elaborate a bit on the idea of the pen. Feedback only hurts when we believe it threatens one or both of our most fundamental psychological needs: safety (perceived physical, social, or material security) and worth (a sense of self-respect, self-regard, or self-confidence).

As we grow to adulthood and gain greater resources to care for ourselves, we fail to update our assumptions about our safety. And those assumptions control our lives. When our boss, our life partner, our neighbor, or a passenger on a subway starts to criticize us, we react emotionally far out of proportion to the real risk. Why? Because we’ve equated approval with safety and disapproval with danger. And we’ve failed to update the equation as our capacity to take responsibility for our safety has increased.

When we become adults, the pen is ours. We are responsible for and capable of caring for ourselves. Admittedly, there are times when feedback does include financial threats (“I’m going to fire you”), relational threats (“I’m going to leave you”), or even physical threats (“I’m going to hit you”). In these instances, some level of fear is the right response. But our analysis of the 445 episodes people reported in our study showed that immediate threats are a rare exception.

And one reason we become so defensive is that we underestimate our capacity to protect ourselves. You don’t get angry when you’re confident. You get angry when you’re scared.

Now let’s talk about worth. Let’s start with two assumptions:

1. That learning truth is an absolute good. The more truth you know, the better you can navigate life.
2. That others’ feedback is either pure truth, pure falsehood, or some mixture of the two. Usually it’s some mixture.

The sensible response to feedback would be to do what TOSA students do: Put it in a bag, sort out what’s true, and discard the rest. But we don’t. Instead, whether it’s true, false, or a combination, we react to it indiscriminately with hurt, shame, fear, or anger. Why? Because we live with an undercurrent of worry that we aren’t worthy. It is our fear that we’re inadequate, unlovable, or worthless that makes the opinions of others so threatening. When others hold our pens, we live with a constant gnawing fear of their disapproval. Their feedback is no longer an indictment of our behavior; it is an audit of our worth.

THE FEEDBACK CURE TOSA students become masters at receiving feedback. It’s not uncommon to hear older students complain that “it’s been too long since I’ve gotten a hard game. I don’t want others to stop helping me grow.” Four tools help them progress from feeling defined by feedback to being beneficiaries of it. These tools redirect them inside rather than outside to secure their safety and worth.

The tools form the acronym CURE.

1. Collect yourself. Breathing deeply and slowly reminds you that you are safe. It signals that you don’t need to be preparing for physical defense. Being mindful of your feelings helps, too. Do your best to name them as you feel them. Naming them helps you put a little bit of daylight between you and the emotions. Are you hurt, scared, embarrassed, ashamed? If you can think about what you’re feeling, you gain more power over the feeling. Also, identifying, examining, and critiquing the stories that led to your feelings can help (see Chapter 5). Some students collect themselves by consciously connecting with soothing truths, for example, by repeating an affirmation like, “This can’t hurt me. I’m safe” or “If I made a mistake, it doesn’t mean I am a mistake.”

“I have infinite, intrinsic, and eternal worth. Neither my past nor others’ opinions define me. My worth is about my potential and my choices.”

2. Understand. Be curious. Ask questions and ask for examples. And then just listen. As we learned in the previous chapter, curiosity can inoculate you against defensiveness. Focusing on understanding helps interrupt our tendency toward personalizing.

3. Recover. It’s sometimes best at this point to ask for a time-out. Feelings of control bring feelings of safety. And you regain a sense of control when you exercise your right to respond when you’re truly ready. Explain that you want some time to reflect and you’ll respond when you have a chance to do so. Sometimes simply they say, “I will take a look at that.” They don’t agree. They don’t disagree. They simply promise to look sincerely at what they were told on their own timeline. They put it in the pool of meaning and let it marinate until they are in full possession of their pens. You can end a challenging episode by simply saying: “It’s important to me that I get this right. I need some time. And I’ll get back to you to let you know where I come out.”

4. Engage. Examine what you were told. If you’ve done a good job reestablishing feelings of safety and worth, you’ll look for truth rather than defensively poking holes in the feedback.

When you find yourself reacting to hard feedback, remind yourself that your reaction is largely within your control. “Retake your pen” by taking steps to secure your safety and affirm your worth. Then use four skills to manage how you address the information others share:

1. Collect yourself. Breathe deeply, name your emotions, and present yourself with soothing truths that establish your safety and worth.
2. Understand. Be curious. Ask questions and ask for examples. And then just listen. Detach yourself from what is being said as though it is being said about a third person.
3. Recover. Take a time-out if needed to recover emotionally and process what you’ve heard.
4. Engage. Examine what you were told. Look for truth rather than defensively poking holes in the feedback. If appropriate, reengage with the person who shared the feedback and acknowledge what you heard, what you accept, and what you commit to do. If needed, share your view of things in a noncombative way.

Part III - How To Finish

11. Move To Action

How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results

Up until this point we’ve suggested that getting more meaning into the pool helps with dialogue. In order to encourage this free flow of meaning, we’ve shared the skills we’ve learned by watching people who are gifted at dialogue.

It’s time we add two final skills. Having more meaning in the pool, even jointly owning it, doesn’t guarantee that we all agree on what we’re going to do with the meaning. We often fail to convert the ideas into action for two reasons:

• We have unclear expectations about how decisions will be made.
• We do a poor job of acting on the decisions we do make.

In fact, when people move from adding meaning to the pool to moving to action, it’s a prime time for new challenges to arise.

Dialogue Is Not Decision-Making

The two riskiest times in Crucial Conversations tend to be at the beginning and at the end. The beginning is risky because you have to find a way to create safety, or else things go awry. The end is dicey because if you aren’t careful about how you clarify the conclusion and decisions flowing from your Pool of Shared Meaning, you can run into violated expectations later on.

• How are decisions going to be made? First, people may not understand how decisions are going to be made.
• Are we ever going to decide? The second problem with decision-making occurs when no decision gets made.

because we haven’t clarified our understanding or solidified decisions, ideas slip away and dissipate, or people can’t figure out what to do with them.

Decide How To Decide

We can solve both these problems if, before making a decision, the people involved decide how to decide. Don’t allow people to assume that dialogue is decision-making. Dialogue is a process for getting all relevant meaning into a shared pool. That process, of course, involves everyone. However, allowing—even encouraging—people to share their meaning doesn’t mean they are then guaranteed to take part in making all the decisions. Make it clear how decisions will be made—who will be involved and why.

When the line of authority is clear.

When you’re in a position of authority, you decide which method of decision-making you’ll use. Managers and parents, for example, decide how to decide. It’s part of their responsibility as leaders.

When the line of authority isn’t clear.

When there is no clear line of authority, deciding how to decide can be quite difficult.

A case like this is hand-tooled for dialogue. All the participants need to get their meaning into the pool—including their opinions about who should make the final choice. That’s part of the meaning you need to discuss. If you don’t openly talk about who decides and why, and your opinions vary widely, you’re likely to end up in a heated battle that can only be resolved in court.

When decision-making authority is unclear, use your best dialogue skills to get meaning into the pool. Jointly decide how to decide.

The Four Methods of Decision-Making

When you’re deciding how to decide, it helps to have a way of talking about the decision-making options available. There are four common ways of making decisions:

command, consult, vote, and consensus

These four options represent increasing degrees of involvement. Increased involvement brings the benefit of increased commitment, but also the curse of decreased decision-making efficiency.

Command

Command decisions refer to the process of making decisions with limited or no involvement from others. There are three main ways in which command decisions are made:

Autonomous Decisions: Individuals make decisions within their area of responsibility without consulting or involving others. This approach is efficient and allows for quick decision-making.

External Forces: Sometimes decisions are influenced by external demands and constraints. For example, customers may set prices, agencies may mandate safety standards, or governing bodies may impose certain requirements. In such cases, decision-makers simply pass on the demands and their role becomes finding ways to implement and comply with them.

Delegation: Certain decisions are delegated to others who are trusted to make the right choice. This may occur when the decision is low-stakes or when there is complete trust in the delegate's abilities. In strong teams and relationships, decision-making is often delegated to trusted individuals to save time and effort.

While command decisions are necessary for efficiency and progress, effective leaders understand when to involve others in the decision-making process. Consulting, voting, or consensus decision-making may be appropriate for certain important decisions to ensure better outcomes. However, involving others in every decision can hinder productivity and slow down operations.

Consult

Consulting is a process whereby decision makers invite others to influence them before they make their choice. You can consult with experts, a representative population, or even everyone who wants to offer an opinion. Wise leaders, parents, and even couples frequently make decisions in this way. They gather ideas, evaluate options, make a choice, and then inform the broader population.

Vote

Voting is best suited to situations where efficiency is the highest value—and you’re selecting from a number of good options. Members of the team realize they may not get their first choice, but frankly they don’t want to waste time talking the issue to death. They may discuss options for a while and then call for a vote. When facing several decent options, voting is a great time saver but should never be used when team members don’t agree to support whatever decision is made. In these cases, consensus is required.

Consensus

This method can be both a great blessing and a frustrating curse. Consensus means you talk until everyone honestly agrees to one decision. This method can produce tremendous unity and high-quality decisions. If misapplied, it can also be a horrible waste of time. It should only be used with (1) high-stakes and complex issues or (2) issues where everyone absolutely must support the final choice.

Four Important Questions When choosing among the four methods of decision-making, consider the following questions:

1. Who cares? Determine who genuinely wants to be involved in the decision along with those who will be affected. These are your candidates for involvement. Don’t involve people who don’t care.
2. Who knows? Identify who has the expertise you need to make the best decision. Encourage these people to take part. Try not to involve people who contribute no new information.
3. Who must agree? Think of those whose cooperation you might need in the form of authority or influence in any decisions you might make. It’s better to involve these people than to surprise them and then suffer their open resistance.
4. How many people is it worth involving? Your goal should be to involve the fewest number of people while still considering the quality of the decision along with the support that people will give it. Ask: “Do we have enough people to make a good choice? Will others have to be involved to gain their commitment?”

Say It Out Loud Once you have considered your options and decided how you’ll decide, make sure you add this critical meaning to the pool. This may seem obvious, but we marvel at how often it’s overlooked.

The group members came together, heard you ask for their input, and assumed this would be a consensus decision. This is a pretty understandable and frankly common misconception, especially when you’re dealing with consult versus consensus decisions. It’s also easy to avoid. Once you’ve decided how you’ll decide, make sure everyone knows.

It can be as simple as saying: “Your input is critical here. And please be aware, this is a consult decision. I’ll take your input along with that of others and make the decision.” Or “I’d like for this to be a consensus decision. But we need to make the decision today, and we only have an hour for this meeting. If we can come to consensus in that time frame, great. If not, I’ll take all your input and make the final decision.”

Make Assignments—Put Decisions Into Action

Does every Crucial Conversation need to end with a decision? Not necessarily. If our goal in a conversation is to get unstuck and improve our results, then yes, most often we will need to end with a decision—what is going to be different because of this conversation? But sometimes we fill the pool with so much new meaning that we may not be ready to move to a decision at the end of the conversation. And that’s OK. While a conversation doesn’t necessarily need to end with a decision, it should always end with a commitment. It may be a commitment to change or take action. Or it may be a commitment, simple but sincere, to reflect on the new meaning that has been shared.

As you close your conversations with commitments, make sure you consider the following four elements (sometimes shortened to the acronym WWWF):

• Who?
• Does what?
• By when?
• How will you follow up?

Who?

To quote an English proverb, “Everybody’s business is nobody’s business.” If you don’t make an actual assignment to an actual person, there’s a good chance that nothing will ever come of all the work you’ve gone through to make a decision. When it’s time to pass out assignments, remember, there is no “we.” “We” when it comes to assignments actually means “not me.” It’s code. Assign a name to every responsibility. This applies at home as well as at work. If you’re divvying up household chores, be sure you’ve got a specific person to go with each chore. That is, if you assign two or three people to take on a task, appoint one of them the responsible party.

Does What?

Be sure to spell out the exact deliverables you have in mind. The fuzzier the expectations, the higher the likelihood of disappointment.

To help clarify deliverables, use Contrasting. If you’ve seen people misunderstand an assignment in the past, explain the common mistake as an example of what you don’t want. If possible, point to physical examples. Rather than talk in the abstract, bring a prototype or sample.

By When?

It’s shocking how often people leave this element out of an assignment. Instead of giving a deadline, people simply point to the setting sun of “someday.” With vague or unspoken deadlines, other urgencies come up, and the assignment finds its way to the bottom of the pile, where it is soon forgotten. Assignments without deadlines are far better at producing guilt than stimulating action. Goals without deadlines aren’t goals; they’re merely directions.

How Will You Follow Up?

Always agree on how often and by what method you’ll follow up on the assignment. It could be a simple email confirming the completion of a project. It might be a full report in a team or family meeting. More often than not, it comes down to progress checks along the way. It’s actually fairly easy to build follow-up methods into the assignment.

Remember, if you want people to feel accountable, you must give them an opportunity to account. Build an expectation for follow-up into every assignment.

WWWF for When It’s Personal

You’ve been thinking about, and perhaps struggling with, a one-on-one or personal Crucial Conversation. Maybe it’s with a boss, a peer, or a loved one. It’s just as critical that you end those conversations with a plan for who will do what by when and how you will follow up. Otherwise you stand a good chance of having the same conversation over and over again. But how do you do it without sounding ridiculously bureaucratic?

Here are three tips for moving to action at the end of a personal Crucial Conversation: First, summarize for understanding. It’s always a good idea to recap the conversation to make sure both people are on the same page. It can be helpful to share why you’re summarizing. For example: “Great. This has been a really helpful conversation, and it feels like we’re in a really good place. I want to recap what we have talked about just to make sure I have it all right.” Second, make sure you have identified an action. What is going to change because of this conversation? Again, it can be helpful to share the why behind this: “I am so glad we have had this conversation. I feel like we’re headed in a good direction. And I want to make sure I’m clear on what we each need to do differently going forward. In terms of my commitments, I’ll . . .” Finally, you need to make a plan to follow up. No one’s perfect, and there is a reasonably good chance that someone, maybe you, won’t follow up perfectly on the commitments you’ve made. That’s OK. That’s being human, after all. But you want to have a plan in place to follow up so that you can catch things early and correct them sooner.

Following up with a direct report or your child is one thing. But how do you follow up with your boss, a senior leader, or a long-tenured peer? It can be helpful to think of this as more of a plan to check in rather than a plan to check up. For example: “I think this is great. Thanks for taking the time to really dig into this. I’ll circle back next week for a quick check just to make sure that, after we have had some time to sit with this, everything still seems OK and on track for both of us.”

Document Your Work

Once again, a proverb comes to mind: “One dull pencil is worth six sharp minds.” Don’t leave your hard work to memory. If you’ve gone to the effort to complete a Crucial Conversation, don’t fritter away all the meaning you created by trusting your memories. Write down the details of conclusions, decisions, and assignments. Remember to record who does what by when. Revisit your notes at key times (usually the next meeting) and review assignments.

Summary: Move To Action

Turn your successful Crucial Conversations into great decisions and united action by avoiding the two traps of violated expectations and inaction:

Decide How to Decide

• Command. Decisions are made without involving others.
• Consult. Input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides.
• Vote. An agreed-upon percentage swings the decision.
• Consensus. Everyone comes to an agreement and then supports the final decision.

Finish Clearly

• Determine who does what by when.
• Make the deliverables crystal clear.
• Set a follow-up time.
• Record the commitments and then follow up.
• Finally, hold people accountable to their promises.

12. Yeah, But...

Advice for tough cases

In truth, the dialogue skills we’ve shared apply to just about any problem you can imagine. However, since some situations are more difficult than others, we’ve chosen a few tough cases with which to illustrate the robustness of what you now know. We’ll take a moment to share a thought or two on each.

An Overly Sensitive Spouse

“Yeah, but what do you do when your spouse is too sensitive? You try to give your spouse some constructive feedback, but he or she reacts so strongly that you end up going to silence.”

The Danger Point

Often couples come to an unspoken agreement during the first year or so of their marriage that affects how they communicate for the rest of their marriage. Say one person is touchy and can’t take feedback, or the other doesn’t give it very well. In any case, they in effect agree to say nothing to each other. They live in silence. Problems have to be huge before they’re discussed.

The Solution

This is generally a problem of not knowing how to STATE your path. When something bothers you, catch it early. Contrasting can also help: “I’m not trying to blow this out of proportion. I just want to deal with it before it gets out of hand.” Share your facts: describe the specific behaviors you’ve observed:

Encourage testing: “Do you see it differently?”

Finally, Learn to Look for signs that safety is at risk, and Make It Safe. When you STATE things well and others become defensive, refuse to conclude that the issue is impossible to discuss. Think harder about your approach. Step out of the content, do what it takes to make sure your partner feels safe, and then try again to candidly STATE your view. When spouses stop giving each other helpful feedback, they lose out on the help of a lifelong confidant and coach. They miss out on hundreds of opportunities to help each other communicate more effectively.

Failed Trust

“Yeah, but what if I just don’t trust the person? He missed an important deadline. Now I wonder how I could ever trust him again.”

The Danger Point

People often assume that trust is something you have or don’t have. Either you trust someone, or you don’t. That puts too much pressure on trust. “What do you mean I can’t stay out past midnight? Don’t you trust me?” your teenage son inquires. Trust doesn’t have to be universally offered. In truth, it’s usually offered in degrees and is very topic-specific. It also comes in two flavors—motive and ability. For example, you can trust me to administer CPR if needed; I’m motivated. But you can’t trust me to do a good job; I know nothing about it.

The Solution

Deal with trust around the issue, not around the person. When it comes to regaining trust in others, don’t set the bar too high. Just try to trust them in the moment, not across all issues. You don’t have to trust them in everything. To Make It Safe for yourself in the moment, bring up your concerns. Tentatively STATE what you see happening: “I get the sense that you’re only sharing the good side of your plan. I need to hear the possible risks before I’m comfortable. Is that OK?” If they play games, call them on it. Also, don’t use your mistrust as a club to punish people. If they’ve earned your mistrust in one area, don’t let it bleed over into your overall perception of their character. If you tell yourself a Villain Story that exaggerates others’ untrustworthiness, you’ll act in ways that help them justify themselves in being even less worthy of your trust. You’ll start up a self-defeating cycle and get more of what you don’t want.

Shows No Initiative

“Yeah, but what if it’s not something they’re doing, but something they don’t do? Some members of my work team do what they’re asked, but no more. If they run into a problem, they take one simple stab at fixing it. But if their efforts don’t pay off, they quit.”

The Danger Point

Most people are far more likely to talk about the presence of a bad behavior than the absence of a good one. When someone really messes up, leaders and parents alike are compelled to take action. However, when people simply fail to be excellent, it’s hard to know what to say.

The Solution

Establish new and higher expectations. Don’t deal with a specific instance; deal with the overall pattern. If you want someone to show more initiative, tell him or her.

Touchy And Personal

“Yeah, but what if it’s something hyperpersonal, like a hygiene problem? Or maybe someone’s boring, and people avoid him or her. How could you ever talk about something personal and sensitive like that?”

The Danger Point

Most people avoid sensitive issues like the plague. Who can blame them? Unfortunately, when fear and misapplied compassion rule over honesty and courage, people can go for years without being given information that could be extremely helpful. When people do speak up, they often leap from silence to violence. Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful. Also, the longer you go without saying anything, the greater the pain when you finally deliver the message.

The Solution

Use Contrasting. Explain that you don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings, but you do want to share something that could be helpful. Establish Mutual Purpose. Let the other person know your intentions are honorable. Also explain that you’re reluctant to bring up the issue because of its personal nature, but since the problem is interfering with the person’s effectiveness, you really must. Tentatively describe the problem. Don’t play it up or pile it on. Describe the specific behaviors and then move to solutions. Although these discussions are never easy, they certainly don’t have to be offensive or insulting.

13. Putting It All Together

Tools for Preparing and Learning

Get started with increasing your capacity to get to dialogue by becoming more conscious of these two key principles.

Learn to Look

The first principle for positive change is Learn to Look. That is, people who improve their dialogue skills continually ask themselves whether they’re in or out of dialogue. This alone makes a huge difference. Even people who can’t remember or never learned the skills of STATE, or AMPP, or CURE, etc., are able to benefit from this material by simply asking if they or others are falling into silence or violence.

Perhaps the most common way that the language of dialogue finds itself into everyday conversation is with the statement, “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue.” This simple reminder helps people catch themselves early on, before the damage is severe. As we’ve watched executive teams, work groups, and couples simply go public with the fact that they’re starting to move toward silence or violence, others often recognize the problem and take corrective action: “You’re right. I’m not telling you what needs to be said” or “I’m sorry. I have been trying to force my ideas on you.”

Make It Safe

The second principle is Make It Safe. We’ve suggested that dialogue consists of the free flow of meaning and that the number one flow stopper is a lack of safety. When you notice that you and others have moved away from dialogue, do something to make it safer. Anything.

These two levers form the basis for recognizing, building, and maintaining dialogue. When the concept of dialogue is introduced, these are the ideas most people can readily take in and apply to Crucial Conversations. Now let’s move on to a discussion of the rest of the principles we’ve covered.

• Choose your topic
• Start with heart
• Master my stories
• Learn to look
• Make it safe
• Reatake your pen
• Explore others path
• STATE my path
• Move to Action
• Getting to dialogue

Conclusion

It is not about communication. It's about results.

Take action. Identify a Crucial Conversation you could improve now. Use the tools in this last chapter to identify the principle or skill that will help you approach it in a more effective way than you ever have. Then give it a try.

Action items

• Visit CrucialConversations.com